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mommiedearestCHAPTER FIVE

MOMMIE DEAREST

My relationship with my mother never quite survived after the day she picked me up with the former step-father and then made me lie to the social worker about my abuse.  That is because I came to realize on that day in 1979 that my only function was to mirror back the love my mother was incapable of having for herself.  Therefore — unfortunately — the physical and emotional abuse from my mother started when I was no longer able to fulfill my primary function.  The physical and emotional abuse started when I was no longer able to mirror back the love she desperately needed to sustain her love of self at all times.

A Stanford psychiatrist determined that my mother displayed classic text book symptoms of a full blown narcissist.  It was determined that my mother brought me into existence for one purpose and one purpose only; to mirror back the love my mother could not have for herself.  In my mother’s mind I had no other function. I was being beaten because I was no longer able to fulfill my primary function.  That is because in my mother’s mind I was no longer able to mirror anything back other than the image of a little boy whose father killed himself after she left him for a man who beat and tried to murder her son.  The psychiatrist said it was most likely the reason I was and I am even until this day an unwelcome reminder of her flawed image.

john-high-school-picture-oneIn my teenage years I started fighting back.  I figured two could play at this game.  I started punishing her with her own abuse by doing exactly what she did to me.  I would say something mean and nasty every single time she tried to make me not like myself.  One time she slapped me in the face and I slapped her back with the same intensity because I was sick and tired of being hit all the time.  I figured if she wanted “something to cry about I was going to give her something to cry about.”  I did this because it was clear to me she lacked the ability john-wright-picture-1985to empathize with her victim and I thought she would empathize once it was happening to her.  However — unfortunately — in-between the ages of thirteen and sixteen — I was not the genius I am today and my plan would end up making matters worse.  The strategy backfired and had the opposite effect because I did not realize my mother was a potential narcissist in-between these ages.  She simply could not tolerate seeing what she really looked like in the mirror and would attack me physically each time I repeated back her same cruel words.  The arguments would sometimes be very intense.

However — let me be clear here — my mother did not have a thing with “wire hangers”.  That is because my mother had a thing with “Tupperware” instead.  As a child I would be jolted awake with “night raids” for not cleaning the Tupperware and stacking it in the cupboard precisely the way she demanded.  I hate Tupperware even until this day.  It is ultimately the reason it is highly suggested you do not give me Tupperware for Christmas.  Otherwise do not be surprised if you are not invited to next year’s Christmas party.

I would suffer emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my mother for many years.  That was until one day the tables turned on her.  I officially became a teenager.

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